I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
