I have demons in me.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
