so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
