OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
