she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm passing your future prison.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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