Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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