my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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