Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
