Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize