You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
