omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She bit a glass in half.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
