I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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