I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
