Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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