I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize