P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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