haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
