Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
