I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
