I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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