That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I am one with the molecules
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
