Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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