I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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