a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
