mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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