And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize