my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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