If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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