i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
