good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize