Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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