i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize