Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
the day after is always just damage control
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
