So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
