I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
