i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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