The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
