One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
