I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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