my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
