I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
