I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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