Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I have already put on my inside pants.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
