Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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