She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
