Apparently you make a good broom.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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