I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
