Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
