You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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