Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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