Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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