we're blogging at a bar
Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
