A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
is it fun? or sober?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
