i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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