im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
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