Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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