How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize