i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Houston, we have a squirter
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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