My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
