clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
