Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
you had me at cake vodka
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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