Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize