So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
