i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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